Nothing Lasts Forever
by missgaley
Summary: MCU. Post-Age of Ultron. Banner is gone and Natasha has second thoughts about the real nature of their relationship and her place with the Avengers. Steve Rogers is there to help her when she needs it most. [Steve/Nat friendship, romance if you squint.]


_"We have no place in the world..." — Natasha Romanoff (Age of Ultron)_

* * *

"He'll come back you know."

Natasha didn't turn when she heard Steve Roger's voice behind her. She was standing by the wall again, staring out the window this time, similarly to the time he had found her just after Fury had confirmed that Banner was in the wind. She nodded sharply in response. She wasn't thinking about Banner anyway... at least, she was trying not to.

"I know, I just..."

Steve took a few more steps forward before stopping a respectful distance away from the redhead. Natasha liked that about him. Clint liked to get into her face, always teasing and playing his little tricks on her, until the time came that she just needed him to listen. And he always did. But Steve made no attempts to cheer her up when she was in one of her moods. While she appreciated Clint's efforts and would never ask him to stop being... well, _Clint_ , there were simply times where no amount of tomfoolery was going to make her laugh. Steve recognized this and he always kept out of her way while somehow simultaneously letting her know that he was open to talk. Besides Clint, he was the closest friend she had. And perhaps their differences were what made them both so special to her.

"Have you ever met someone and suddenly... you changed? It's hard to explain but I—"

"You want to make them happy. You see the good in them and that's all that matters to you the moment you set your eyes on them. Am I close?"

Natasha nodded again, slower this time, mulling over his words. They couldn't describe exactly how she felt - had felt - but they were indeed close.

"I wanted... a chance," she started, and immediately Steve looked somewhat confused. Natasha gave him a look to just wait. "Everyone I know, everyone I care about, you're all fighters. You're the people who rush into danger to protect the innocent and save those who can't save themselves. And I admire that in all of you but I..."

She trailed off. Natasha was never good at talking about her feelings. They were there, bubbling at the surface, and here she was, struggling to get them out into the open air. Nothing made sense to her, so how could it possibly make sense to anyone else?

"You don't think you're one of those people."

It was a statement, not a question. Natasha looked up at Steve and no words were needed to confirm that he was correct. She didn't believe that she was one of those people. Sure, she worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. Or she had, once upon a time, before she realized that all the good she had done after leaving the KGB had really just been a part of Hydra's plan all along. Who knows what she had done that had only furthered their cause; one that had lasted over half a century? People like Steve and Clint... they had fought their own battles but they were genuinely both good people at heart. She didn't know what she was. Natasha sometimes wondered if she had a heart worth speaking of.

"Banner... I thought he was like me. He wasn't trying to play the hero, Steve. He knew what he was. I saw the Hulk, back on the helicarrier before everything that happened in New York. And I didn't think I could ever trust, let alone fall, for someone who had _that_ living inside of them. But it just made sense at the time... He just wants to live in peace, without fear of hurting the people around him. I hurt the people around me all the time — it's my job. Sometimes I just want to leave it all behind... to run away, I guess."

Her words hung in the air as a silence fell between them. Natasha quickly searched for a sign — any sign — that Steve was judging her, losing his faith in the hardened spy he had been working alongside for some time now. She didn't want to seem weak, not in his eyes. _Especially_ in his eyes.

"You're not the kind to run and hide, Natasha," he finally said, his tone even and his expression unreadable, much to Natasha's irritation.

Natasha sighed.

"Am I, Rogers? After everything that girl out there showed me... I was just a little girl again. I wanted to run away from everything back then. I tried to pretend I didn't have the skills that I did so that maybe there was a chance I could escape. But I didn't. I couldn't run back then. I thought that now I was free but I was _right there_ , all over again. And I still couldn't run. After Clint brought me back... I thought... I would have run away with Banner, Steve, if I had just... I'm not sure. I really thought for a moment that maybe it was my best chance. Just the two of us, with these monsters living inside of us, that maybe we could have made it work. I don't understand, Steve. At first this was about wiping away the red in my ledger. But now... with all that red... I don't understand why I'm doing any of this. "

"And you thought that because you and Banner felt the same, you could both be free if you just disappeared."

"Yes," Natasha whispered. "I never asked to play the hero."

Steve took a couple of steps closer, offering Natasha his hand. She looked at it in confusion before placing hers in his firm yet gentle grasp with some hesitance. Steve suddenly started tugging her down the hallway with him, until they arrived in a room, filled with monitors and fancy computer terminals, courtesy of Stark, of course. Steve leaned over to quietly ask something of the tech sitting there, clearly bored by the way he was fiddling with a dull pencil. The young man nodded, pulled up the requested footage, and left the room without a word, closing the door behind him.

In front of them, dozens of scenes from Sokovia played out in front of them. News footage, mysteriously obtained satellite footage, and even cell phone footage covered the monitors and it all made Natasha look away. She didn't want to see any of this right now. Everyone was still shaken, even her. Everything she had seen since she had joined the Avengers was just too surreal to even wrap her mind around sometimes. An army of sentient robots? She wasn't sure if that was better or worse than an invasion of hostile aliens led by a power-hungry demigod.

"Natasha, look."

She pulled her gaze back up to the monitors and, out of the corner of her eye, she could see Steve nodding toward the dozens of scenes they were watching together.

"Nat, this was you. All of this... we needed _you_."

"All I see is death and destruction, Rogers," she responded bitterly, glaring at the monitors in front of them.

Steve shook his head and pointed to one monitor in the far corner that appeared to be playing on a loop. The footage was blurry and not very good — a cellphone most likely — but Natasha could suddenly recognize her own red curls through the dust and flying debris. In her arms was a little girl who Natasha distinctly remembered had been screaming for her mother. Off in the distance had been similar shouts ("Katya!" "Mama!") and Natasha had needed only a split second to make her decision to scoop the little girl up and make a dash for the child's mother before the ground practically started crumbling around them.

Someone had caught that on camera? she thought in disbelief. Even the others didn't know about that... but it seemed that Steve had seen the footage at some point.

"I know you felt something for Banner. I won't say that it wasn't real, Nat," Steve started, giving her a sidelong look that nearly made Natasha shrink from a sudden embarrassment that she couldn't quite place. She had said so much, more than she had intended. And now she felt vulnerable, even to Steve. "Everyone could see that you two wanted to save each other from what you both think you can't escape. But neither of you were really trying to save yourselves, Nat. Banner ran and I respect that it was his decision to make, even if I can't believe that running is ever the right solution. But, Nat... you saved that little girl there. That little girl in your memory who was trying to run away? You saved her that day too. You risked your life to make sure that another little girl didn't become an orphan. You're a fighter, Nat, just like the rest of us. You're the furthest thing from a monster."

Natasha couldn't help but notice herself blinking furiously in an effort to keep her eyes clear of the tears that were threatening to spill, even in the safety of their private room. She couldn't stop staring at the footage and _that_ was when she noticed something she hadn't seen before. As she got closer to the camera, her gaze never strayed from her path. Maybe that was why she had barely registered what the girl had looked like in the first place. But now she saw it. She saw the long red hair with an even fringe, half pulled back... just like her in her memories of the Red Room. Natasha wasn't sure that she even believed in signs but, if she did, this had to have been one. Steve was right. She had saved herself and she had never even noticed.

Steve seemed to notice Natasha's sudden silence and decided to fill it in the meantime. Natasha couldn't help but feel relieved now that she wouldn't have to try to explain her desperate attempt to keep her eyes from becoming red and puffy. A part of her knew that Steve would never blame her for it. But she didn't want to cry. Tears were something she associated only with pain and regret. Some people cried happy tears, but not Natasha. She didn't want to ruin such a small, happy moment with tears. Shit, she wasn't even listening to him, was she?

"— Peggy was so much more than I was, or at least it seems like it, even now. She was... a bit 'non-traditional', I'll give her that. Some of the guys didn't like a woman in charge. But she stood her ground. I guess we had that much in common even though she could throw a punch and I could barely take one without getting a black eye. She was intelligent, brave, authoritative... and I was just a skinny kid from Brooklyn who hated bullies. I hardly believed that she would see anything in me before the serum but she did. And sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't taken the serum. I wouldn't have become Captain America, that's for sure. But I wouldn't have been stuck in the ice for seventy years either. We could have had our dance."

He shrugged and Natasha nodded. It was seventy years ago and there was nothing he could do about it now except hold onto his memories. But then she stopped and turned to look at him.

"Would you have changed?" she asked suddenly. "For her, I mean. If you could go back, would you do it differently? Would that skinny kid from Brooklyn decide to stay for her?"

It was a strange question but she needed to know. Because that's what she had done with Bruce... _for_ Bruce. She had changed. She had put aside the parts of herself that made her who she was, just to play the romantic for a change. At the time, it had seemed like an escape, like something new and good. And now she wasn't so sure. After all, Banner had left and she was still here. She couldn't change, not that much. She couldn't run; could Steve ever have stayed?

He only confirmed her suspicions — he knew he couldn't.

"No. As much as I loved Peggy, I knew what was right and what was wrong. And Nazi Germany? Hydra? They were wrong. I had to do what I thought was best for my country... and Peggy. She wouldn't have wanted me to change for her and abandon all that I believed in. I know if I went to visit her and even brought it up, she'd give me a good talking to. Everyone thinks about what might have been but our choices are what make us who we are."

He chuckled lightly.

"You couldn't have changed for him, Nat. Not like that. Running away... I know it's not you. I think if you had, you would have regret it and no matter how far away, you can't really be happy. Not with those kind of regrets."

He was right. He and Clint were always right when it came to matters of the heart — specifically, Natasha's heart. Clint she understood because he knew her better than anyone. Steve was a different case. Natasha wondered if he was this good with everyone he met. He knew just what to say, even though he hardly knew her.

"You know, you're a lot like Peggy."

Natasha's head shot up in surprise, looking up at Steve, her brow furrowed.

"Peggy knew what she wanted. She stood up for herself in order to get it. She worked hard for the respect that she deserved. Of course, back then, circumstances were different but you're both a lot alike. She got what she wanted out of her life and so will you. No one said there wouldn't be bumps along the way. But you always get past them, Nat."

"Nothing lasts forever," she said, repeating the phrase she had spoken to Fury that day.

"No, it doesn't. If it did, none of us would have become the people that we are."

It was too much. She should have felt better but suddenly everything felt stifling. Natasha turned, heading for the door suddenly. The room felt too small, too confined for this conversation. She was trapped inside with her feelings and it was enough for one day, she decided. She could feel Steve staring at her back and felt guilty for almost walking away like that. She felt overwhelmed but Natasha knew he was right.

"Thanks, Rogers."

There was a small but strained smile in her voice.

"I'm here for you, Nat. That's what friends do."

Natasha looked over her shoulder, beckoning for him to follow with a slight jerk of her head. She headed back out into the hallway, glad to see the sunlight shining in through the windows again. She squared her shoulders, pulling herself to her full height. It felt better - more _her_.

"Nothing lasts forever," she murmured to herself, staring at the spot where she had once stood in silhouette against the glass.

"We'll keep looking for Banner, you know we will. He's our friend too. We don't leave friends behind when they might still need us."

Now when Natasha smiled, it was genuine. She believed him. Content for now, she nudged Steve with her elbow as he casually strolled up to join her. Steve, looking satisfied that he was able to help, looked down.

"By the way, you do know we're late for a training session because of that little pep talk, don't you?"

Natasha's remark made Steve snap to immediate attention and Natasha laughed.

"Shit, we are. Sam's gonna kill us - you know he looks forward to all of this like a kid on Christmas morning."

"Well, can you blame him with those fancy wings of his? It's not like you can just take them out on the Interstate," Natasha teased.

Steve picked up a brisk pace then and there, making a beeline for their new training facilities. Natasha didn't follow immediately, standing there with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her lips.

"Hey, Rogers!"

Steve turned back quickly, raising an eyebrow.

"What is it, Nat? You coming?"

" _Language._ "

Natasha's grin was like that of Lewis Carroll's Chesire Cat as she watched the mixed emotions on his face, alternating between amusement and mild irritation at a rapid pace. Finally he just sighed and rolled his eyes at her. Natasha was going to be just fine.

"Dammit, Romanoff, just get over here."

Natasha jogged after him and when they met with the others, everything felt as if it had all fallen easily back into place. Everything was normal again, if just for a little while.

She was home. She knew that she was needed here, even though they had once again all taken their separate paths. She had her own part to play now.

And perhaps that was all that she really needed after all.


End file.
